Womanizer And An Opportunity to Stalk Me

I never thought I would say this, but I have been seduced by a woman that has been my enemy based on pure principle ever since I dissected “Hit Me Baby One More Time” in a Women, Society and Culture class in high school.

(Whereby I concluded that a cute blond giving permission for her ex to “hit her one more time” was the epitome of female chauvinism and everything that is wrong with our country.)

But, um, Womanizer is the single most amazing thing to run to since Green Day’s Holiday and I am officially hooked. I mean, I repeated that song five times and completely ignored workout-playlist-protocol. (I.e. Don’t mess with the ipod strapped to your arm every other song because then you swerve on the treadmill and could potentially loss your balance and kill someone passing by behind you.) I IGNORED THIS WISE ADVICE just so I could listen to Britney’s voice electronically pulsating “Boy don’t try to front/ I know just what you are, are, are/ Boy don’t try to front/ I know just what you are, are, are.” over and over and over and over.

I’m a total sucker for sucess stories, and Britney’s crazy turn-around is one I will applaud. Though, yes, I understand that her weightloss is thanks in part to the dietrician she hired, the trainers, and the therapy that normal fat people can’t afford. Her song was more of a product of the mysterious men in the soundbooth who are inexplicably talented when it comes to manipulating instrumentation and sub-par voices into music that makes homosapiens jump up and down in a trance.

Kudos to the men in the sound booth.

BUT the fact that she can come back after she was the butt of everyone’s jokes for what, five years? Reminds me that a) I don’t know this chick at all and b) I’ve reached a point in my musical journey where I can look back at the nineties and realize it wasn’t all bad and an especially wonderful resurrection of the era can still send me to dance-hall bliss. Who am I to hate the beat?

Woman, woman, woman, woman…

________

Tomorrow night I will be attending Joanne Newsom IN CONCERT FOR CHANGE. This lady is amazing, and hi, it’s an event for Barack Obama.

ALSO, (FYI), early voting is up and running. Do it. Do it now.

(Casey, you are awesome.)

The Weekend of Sappy Endings

I especially miss New York over the weekends because the movie selection at the theaters are frequently worse than what’s on the television at home. I can feel my braincells slowly suffocating. I’ll admit that I’m a snob when it comes to movies. 1) They should be original and 2) They should stir a thought or emotion. Is that really too much to ask?

Don’t answer that.

Anyway, I walked out of the theater last weekend as loopy as a small child sucking the helium from the balloons at the wedding reception, complete with the emotionally confused wedding planner, the exuberant family, the designer gown, and that man that always crashes the wedding at the last moment to declare his undying love to the bride. (Yes, that was a reference to My Best Friend’s Wedding, The Wedding Planner, My Big Fat Greek Wedding and The Wedding Singer ALL AT THE SAME TIME.) At any rate, if there was a weekend for unoriginal romantic comedies, this last took the cake. I rarely go to the movie theater back-to-back, but since I did, I figured I could take two of the recent romantic comedies, put them in the ring, and have them slug it out for the title of The-Movie-That-Didn’t-Suck-the-Most. Besides, Living the Rom-Com has been on a lengthy hiatus, and I figure that if I’m ever going to steal his readers, now is the time to do it.*

Made of Honor

First beef was the title. I hated the movie even before it started, but the plot struck a personal chord. You see, the 24th of May, next weekend, I will be attending a wedding. It just so happens that my best friend (whom, I may or may not be in love with… I guess I’ll be finding out soon enough) happens to be in love with someone else. Which, I mean, whatever. Point being, I was feeling Tom’s pain. But despite being at-one with the plot, the execution was unoriginal, predictable, and taking the subject flippantly. Which, yes, I know, it’s a comedy, but some of it was just in bad taste.

And the Scottish-dual before the wedding was completely pointless. What if he had won? It was just a tradition, the family wasn’t really going to call of the wedding just because the groom couldn’t through a tree farther than the Maid of Honor.

But things I liked: the Scottish tradition of selling kisses before the big day from pub to pub. That really was cute! And, hi, when Hannah and Tom are ordering for each other at the bakeries and restaurants just because they knew each other so well, you can’t say that your heart isn’t swelling with hope that there might be someone out there who knows you better than yourself. Who could potentially order dessert for you and read your stomach’s mind.

Plus, even though you knew the ending from the moment she introduces her fiance, (who is a total tool), you’re still happy that it happens.

Conclusion: Though the comedy aspect of the movie was… lame (as in I never laughed), the romantic part of it had its moments. And Patrick is hot. Almost as hot as Ashton Kutcher.

What Happens in Vegas

Title was fine.

Two New Yorkers (must pause here to ask: What is it with Romantic Comedies and New York City? Are they trying to tell New Yorkers something? Are they trying to tell the rest of the United States something? Like, your best chances at discovering your love for someone is in the financial capital of the world? What?) experience some major life-upsets. Joy gets dumped by her fiance in front of all of her friends and Jack’s own father fires him. (Keep in mind that at this point, they still don’t know each other.) So they go to Las Vegas to forget about everything, to let loose you know, and they somehow book the same hotel room. Jack and Joy head out together to take on the strip, get completely smashed and decide to get married.

For the record, this movie is fucking funny. I laughed THE ENTIRE TIME.

So the next morning, they flare at each other for being so stupid next to the slot machines. Joy storms off and Jack haphazardly drops a coin in the closest machine… and hits the Jackpot of three million dollars. For those who have seen the trailer know what happens next: “What’s yours is mine baabby… remember?”

My only real annoyance with this flick was the lack of thought that went into the sentence. I mean the judge basically said, “You have to be married because it will make me laugh and I get a kick out of making examples of drunk fucks like you.” Divorces are over-ruled everyday. It’s not the norm, but it happens… the writers couldn’t come up with something that, I don’t know, made more sense?

At any rate, they’re sentenced to marriage before they can claim their jackpot. So they hate each other. And it is hilarious. No, really, it’s hilarious. Like I said, I laughed a lot. It was so funny, that when it started to get more romantic, you were like, “Wait? What happened to sword fighting with french bread? BRING BACK THE FUNNY REVENGE DIALOGUE!”

So I’m going to say that What Happens in Vegas has the opposite problem that Made of Honor had. Where Made of Honor had an influx of romance, What Happens in Vegas had an influx of comedy. So which one would I recommend to my readers? Yeah… go watch Aston Kutcher and Cameron Diaz slug it out. It’s the more funny and original film.

And yes, Ashton also happens to be really hot. Which helps things.

*And Billy, I’m not actually planning to steal your readers. We can share them.

Fighting the Evil E-Mail Spam

—– Original Message —–

Subject: Barack Obama? For PRESIDENT???? Wake UP AMERICA

	Who is Barack Obama?Very interesting and something that should be considered in your choice.If you do not ever forward anything else, please forward this to all your contacts…this is very scarey to think of what lies ahead of us here in our own United States…better heed this and pray about it and share it.We checked this out on ‘snopes.com‘. It is factual. Check for yourself.Who is Barack Obama?Probable U. S. presidential candidate, Barack Hussein Obama was born in Honolulu, Hawaii, to Barack Hussein Obama, Sr., a black MUSLIM from Nyangoma-Kogel, Kenya and Ann Dunham, a white ATHIEST from Wichita, Kansas. Obama’s parents met at the University of Hawaii. When Obama was two years old, his parents divorced. His father returned to Kenya. His mother then married Lolo Soetoro, a RADICAL Muslim from Indonesia.? When Obama was 6 years old, the family relocate to Indonesia. Obama attended a MUSLIM school in Jakarta. He also spent two years in a Catholic school.Obama takes great care to conceal the fact that he is a Muslim. He is quick to point out that, ‘He was once a Muslim, but that he also attended Catholic school.’Obama’s political handlers are attempting to make it appear that that he is not a radical. Obama’s introduction to Islam came via his father, and that this influence was temporary at best. In reality, the senior Obama returned to Kenya soon after the divorce, and never again had any direct influence over his son’s education.Lolo Soetoro, the second husband of Obama’s mother, Ann Dunham, introduced his stepson to Islam. Obama was enrolled in a Wahabi school in Jakarta.Wahabism is the RADICAL teaching that is followed by the Muslim terrorists who are now waging Jihad against the western world. Since it is politically expedient to be a CHRISTIAN when seeking major public office in the United States, Barack Hussein Obama has joined the United Church of Christ in an attempt to downplay his Muslim background. ALSO, keep in mind that when he was sworn into office he DID NOT use the Holy Bible, but instead the Koran. Barack Hussein Obama will NOT recite the Pledge of Allegience nor will he show any reverence for our flag. While others place their hands over their hearts, Obama turns his back to the flag and slouches. Let us all remain alert concerning Obama’s expected presidential candidacy.The Muslims have said they plan on destroying the US from the inside out, what better way to start than at the highest level – through the President of the United States, one of their own!!!!Please forward to everyone you know. Would you want this man leading our country?…… NOT ME!!! Below is a picture of Obama refusing to pledge the flag and to salute it as well.

I had heard about this but a picture is definitely worth 1000 words! God save us!!!

Respect
Senator Barack Obama, Governor Bill Richardson, Senator Hillary Clinton and Ruth Harkin stand during the national anthem.
Barack Hussein Obama’s photo (that’s his real name)……the article said he REFUSED TO NOT ONLY PUT HIS HAND ON HIS HEART DURING THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE, BUT REFUSED TO SAY THE PLEDGE…..how in the #(%%#(#( can a man like this expect to be our next Commander-in-Chief????

My response:

This e-mail has been debunked as false spam, merely cyberspace propaganda, by every reputable news and research source. (And Fox News, I’m sorry to say, is anything but a reputable source.) Different versions of this chain e-mail have been circulating since January of 2007, assuming that readers will take the exclamation points and “scandalous” accusations for face value rather than researching the claims themselves before forwarding it to everyone they know. What worries me more than the fact that this has been forwarded a million times over, is that people believe it. Do you know what this sounds like? This sounds like the e-mails I used to get about Y2K. Like Chicken Little. Like, “THE WORLD IS CHANGING SO WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!” Well, let me clear the air for everyone, and provide you with some facts, links, and common sense before we make the worst election mistake since 2004.

This picture has been tied with the following accusation:

” Senator Barack Obama, Governor Bill Richardson, Senator Hillary Clinton and Ruth Harkin stand during the national anthem.
Barack Hussein Obama’s photo (that’s his real name)……the article said he REFUSED TO NOT ONLY PUT HIS HAND ON HIS HEART DURING THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE, BUT REFUSED TO SAY THE PLEDGE…..”

I’d like to know which article the accusation referred to, because I can’t find it anywhere. The statement that he “refused to not only put his hand on his heart during the pledge of allegiance, but refused to say the pledge,” is a blatant lie. The picture was taken during a rendition of the national anthem in which the flag wasn’t present. As I understand it, the hand-over-the-heart gesture is out of respect for our flag, not the song. All the candidates are standing in respect. That is all. Barack Obama addressed this issue, the issue of false, incriminating e-mails, in the democratic debate in Las Vegas on January 15th. He leads the pledge of allegiance in the Senate when he presides. If you stop and consider this accusation logically: why would a man who was running for president feel so disgusted with the American flag that he refuses to say the pledge? I mean, that totally makes sense. Kudos for all you clever conspiracy-theorists for figuring that out so quickly.

I also liked how they added (that’s his real name) up there. If that doesn’t speak for tolerance, I don’t know what will. It’s a little ironic, because in the speech that made him a household name in the democratic convention in 2004, he says, “My parents shared not only an improbable love; they shared an abiding faith in the possibilities of this nation. They would give me an African name, Barack, or “blessed,” believing that in a tolerant America, your name is no barrier to success.”

Now, starting from the top: the e-mail encourages you to check out snopes.com to verify it’s authenticity. Did anyone actually do that? I’m going to venture a guess and say “no,” because snopes.com classified this e-mail as false. It actually goes through the entity of the e-mail and counters every point. Click on the link and check it out, because it saves me the trouble of typing it.

At the end of the e-mail and the list of ACCUSATIONS and REALLY REALLY REALLY!!!!! our narrator states:

The Muslims have said they plan on destroying the US from the inside out, what better way to start than at the highest level – through the President of the United States, one of their own!!!!

As someone with a brain, this offends me, and not just because it is a grammatical nightmare. I realize that not many people have had a chance to associate with anyone of the Muslim faith. And if we do meet them, the trend seems to be running along the lines of burning down their bakery or something equally civilized. I waited tables with a Muslim lady, I lived across the hall from three Muslim boys and I had a Moral Philosophy class with a Muslim girl. The Muslim faith has nothing written or taught that says, “America is evil and should be destroyed.” That “version” is a political tactic in a corrupt government forced upon a people’s limited educational system. It has nothing to do with the actual Muslim faith, which scholars concede have an abundance of Christian strains. Even if Senator Barack Obama wasn’t Christian, this really shouldn’t be an issue. The last thing we need is more fuel to burn down their shops and beat up their children at school.

The last words are: how in the #(%%#(#( can a man like this expect to be our next Commander-in-Chief????

I gave up on the encrypted curse word, as it appears to be in another language, but I wondered at the choice of words at the end. You know, not “president.” Not “Leader of America,” but the leader of our army. That’s really very… I mean, since the way our economy and policy is heading now is so promising… REALLY? WE’RE STILL WANTING A WARRING PRESIDENT? Hello, hi: I’m the disaster that was the last eight years.

I am not attempting to sway any political minds. (Though, if I did, let me know, and I’ll send some pins your way.) But please do not cast your vote based on this ignorant propaganda.

Love,

Janet

P.S. You know what would be really fabulous? If you forward this e-mail. It’s time we start spreading truth instead of rumors. I don’t know about you, but I am sick and tired of being lied to.

:::::::::::::::::::

My family is a very conservative one, and not to imply that all conservatives are neo-nutjobs, but I seemed to get “WHO IS BARACK OBAMA” forwarded to me several times over. I realized that they my not realize that:

1) I am an avid supporter of Senator Obama, and 2) The creator of “WHO IS BARACK OBAMA” quite possibly lied to them. They my have disowned my sorry Democratic ass, but at least they’ll know where I stand.

I took their last e-mail as an opportunity to make them squirm. I took this post as an opportunity to shamelessly promote my candidate for 2008.

Thoughts On the Treadmill

I wish I had an ipod. The fucking fan is louder than the music. What is this? The techno version of “You’re Tearin’ Up My Heart”? Who takes time for this shit? The last person running didn’t wipe his sweat of the sensors. Gross. How am I going to check my heart rate? Maybe if I run long enough it will evaporate. Maybe I should wipe it up. Maybe I should stop and wipe it up. I shouldn’t stop. Common courtesy people. I bet he doesn’t hold open doors and spit out his gum either. Why am I assuming this is man sweat? This could be lady sweat. It is probably lady sweat. Look at this: where are the fucking men? Are women the only ones running the treadmill anymore? I bet it will be fine if I touch the sensors. What’s the worst thing that could happen to me? AIDS? I’m going to hell. Or I’ll be reincarnated as something really stupid. Dear God, what if I came back as a bull dog? An ostrich? Whatever! I’ll come back as a cheetah! Check this out… I’m pumping this machine like nobody’s business!

[...]

He was totally checking me out.

I wish MTV played music videos. That would be so cool. Remember when they did? Yeah, I remember. I would rock out every morning to Nickleback and Red Hot Chili peppers. Rachel Ray is Julia’s* hero. It’s kind of ironic that we exercise while being brainwashed with Rachel Ray. What a vicious cycle.

Well everybody knows you’re the one to call

Daa da da da daa da da daa da daa daa da da da da. I really really want on ipod. I think I’m the only one I know who doesn’t have one. Whoa man; that TV totally did a wobble. Is someone from the Biggest Loser running up front? Do I dare twist my body to find out? Just like…heh…heh… that was close to embarrassing. Apparently I wasn’t meant to run sideways. So I won’t. It’s a good thing, I suppose, I was never required to play football. But that wobbling TV is making me sick. AND YOU! RACHEL RAY! Why are you baking that pie? This is totally negating my mentality here. Can’t we watch America’s Next Top Model or something? Lost? Family Guy?

I am… really getting thirsty. But look at my time! I can’t stop now! You amazing Venus! Yeah! In your face Rachel Ray! I don’t want pie! I just want water!

BOOOW! I feel good… I knew that I would

I feel nice… like sugar and spice

God those are ugly sweatpants. Hasn’t someone made those fuzzy, pink velor pants illegal yet? Must…look…away…before…she…notices…that…I…think those are really really ugly. Where did that guy go?

“Where all the princes go.” To the weight room.

Ah yes. That’s something to look forward to. The weight room. Nothing like that feeling of ten guys giving you the once-over with a vein about to burst from my forehead. Crunch changed to channel! What’s this? America’s Most Wanted? Boring.

Reminded of YouTube video.

 

That’s funny.