Why have you not heard from me? Because I’ve:

1) Moved back to hometown for a summer job, which yes, involves bottling Viagra and yelling at the temps answering the phones for Anthem.

2) Acquired a cold that turned my brain to sugar water, whereby it would leak through my nose and I simply could not concentrate on ANYTHING.

3) Forgot my wireless router and -net cord (as it was, unfortunately, connected to the router). Which means that I have to either bum the internet from Anthony’s porch (the only space in his entire house that can get a signal from the neighbors… go figure), or pop into the library during my lunch break. Right now I’m on the porch because the library closed, as it usually is. Anthony does not think that writing this post is a good use of time. He’d rather be sitting here watching Family Guy. So this post is going to be relatively short.

In essence: I have not died. I am actually formulating a great post about the wedding I mentioned. A post with heartbreak and hope and a lot of fucking alcohol.

LOOOLOLOO I GOT su Druunk! AHAHAHA!@()*$@$ I LUV EVERYON YEAH!!@!()*$@#

And pictures. Nighty night.

The dress. Not Knightly. Though she is stunning as well. When I saw Atonement back in December, I promised myself that I would somehow find a way to get this dress. It turns out that I’m not the only one obsessed with it, but the “rip-off” that Faviana designed is horrid. In the forums, other women are taking the problem to their seamstresses and just having them custom made. Ahahaha… just… custom… made… so easy. Since I do not have the type of money one needs for a custom evening gown, I’m just going to lust after it until I do. The good news is that the dress is timeless. So I can take my time.

Anything or anyone you’re lusting after? I’d like to hear it.

Why is it, when something bad is going to happen, that it’s definitely going to to be bad, why do we tell each other that everything will still “be alright.” Does everyone have a some sort of anti-reality complex, that cannot process the notion that, actually, everything is not okay right now. Right now actually kind of sucks. I’m going to tell you to stop telling me that it’s going to be alright, because it’s not alright at all, and I’d appreciate if you could take a big breath with me and say, “This may not turn out well. And that’s a fact.”

I especially miss New York over the weekends because the movie selection at the theaters are frequently worse than what’s on the television at home. I can feel my braincells slowly suffocating. I’ll admit that I’m a snob when it comes to movies. 1) They should be original and 2) They should stir a thought or emotion. Is that really too much to ask?

Don’t answer that.

Anyway, I walked out of the theater last weekend as loopy as a small child sucking the helium from the balloons at the wedding reception, complete with the emotionally confused wedding planner, the exuberant family, the designer gown, and that man that always crashes the wedding at the last moment to declare his undying love to the bride. (Yes, that was a reference to My Best Friend’s Wedding, The Wedding Planner, My Big Fat Greek Wedding and The Wedding Singer ALL AT THE SAME TIME.) At any rate, if there was a weekend for unoriginal romantic comedies, this last took the cake. I rarely go to the movie theater back-to-back, but since I did, I figured I could take two of the recent romantic comedies, put them in the ring, and have them slug it out for the title of The-Movie-That-Didn’t-Suck-the-Most. Besides, Living the Rom-Com has been on a lengthy hiatus, and I figure that if I’m ever going to steal his readers, now is the time to do it.*

Made of Honor

First beef was the title. I hated the movie even before it started, but the plot struck a personal chord. You see, the 24th of May, next weekend, I will be attending a wedding. It just so happens that my best friend (whom, I may or may not be in love with… I guess I’ll be finding out soon enough) happens to be in love with someone else. Which, I mean, whatever. Point being, I was feeling Tom’s pain. But despite being at-one with the plot, the execution was unoriginal, predictable, and taking the subject flippantly. Which, yes, I know, it’s a comedy, but some of it was just in bad taste.

And the Scottish-dual before the wedding was completely pointless. What if he had won? It was just a tradition, the family wasn’t really going to call of the wedding just because the groom couldn’t through a tree farther than the Maid of Honor.

But things I liked: the Scottish tradition of selling kisses before the big day from pub to pub. That really was cute! And, hi, when Hannah and Tom are ordering for each other at the bakeries and restaurants just because they knew each other so well, you can’t say that your heart isn’t swelling with hope that there might be someone out there who knows you better than yourself. Who could potentially order dessert for you and read your stomach’s mind.

Plus, even though you knew the ending from the moment she introduces her fiance, (who is a total tool), you’re still happy that it happens.

Conclusion: Though the comedy aspect of the movie was… lame (as in I never laughed), the romantic part of it had its moments. And Patrick is hot. Almost as hot as Ashton Kutcher.

What Happens in Vegas

Title was fine.

Two New Yorkers (must pause here to ask: What is it with Romantic Comedies and New York City? Are they trying to tell New Yorkers something? Are they trying to tell the rest of the United States something? Like, your best chances at discovering your love for someone is in the financial capital of the world? What?) experience some major life-upsets. Joy gets dumped by her fiance in front of all of her friends and Jack’s own father fires him. (Keep in mind that at this point, they still don’t know each other.) So they go to Las Vegas to forget about everything, to let loose you know, and they somehow book the same hotel room. Jack and Joy head out together to take on the strip, get completely smashed and decide to get married.

For the record, this movie is fucking funny. I laughed THE ENTIRE TIME.

So the next morning, they flare at each other for being so stupid next to the slot machines. Joy storms off and Jack haphazardly drops a coin in the closest machine… and hits the Jackpot of three million dollars. For those who have seen the trailer know what happens next: “What’s yours is mine baabby… remember?”

My only real annoyance with this flick was the lack of thought that went into the sentence. I mean the judge basically said, “You have to be married because it will make me laugh and I get a kick out of making examples of drunk fucks like you.” Divorces are over-ruled everyday. It’s not the norm, but it happens… the writers couldn’t come up with something that, I don’t know, made more sense?

At any rate, they’re sentenced to marriage before they can claim their jackpot. So they hate each other. And it is hilarious. No, really, it’s hilarious. Like I said, I laughed a lot. It was so funny, that when it started to get more romantic, you were like, “Wait? What happened to sword fighting with french bread? BRING BACK THE FUNNY REVENGE DIALOGUE!”

So I’m going to say that What Happens in Vegas has the opposite problem that Made of Honor had. Where Made of Honor had an influx of romance, What Happens in Vegas had an influx of comedy. So which one would I recommend to my readers? Yeah… go watch Aston Kutcher and Cameron Diaz slug it out. It’s the more funny and original film.

And yes, Ashton also happens to be really hot. Which helps things.

*And Billy, I’m not actually planning to steal your readers. We can share them.

It is true. In the space of wall between the our laundry room and the living room, a man has been encased within the sheet rock and left to die. How do we know? Because every -:38 his watch beeps. I use that little muffled beep as my get-your-butt-to-the-bus-stop cue, so I’m kind of glad he’s there, but at the same time, I’ve been having these really weird dreams lately regarding a man in a yellow hat.

My not-gay roommate has dubbed him “Bob” after Bob the builder, but I wish he didn’t. Once you name them, they’re harder to get rid of.

The editing is fairly sub-par, but in my defense, I spent about a week trying to find all the codecs needed to play an .avi file in Quicktime (Only to find Perian yesterday), and by the time I had Perian installed, I was so sick of my computer that my ambitions to become the next Ze Frank had dissolved. The good news is, now that I have Perian, this whole vlogging thing will happen more often. In other good news, my finals are almost over, which means that blogging in general will happen more often.

Poptarts!

So I got a little behind. Is the vlog coming? Yes. Hold to your tea cozies just a step further. Because you had to wait so long, I’m making this film especially amazing.

Literally Speaking will resume normal operation* shortly.

*”Normal” implying that perhaps this blog has, at one time, operated normally.

Vlog will be posted tomorrow morning. I appreciate the patience and have noted that you’ve been checking back here frequently, some several times a day, to see if the vlog has been posted yet, and to that I say GET AN RSS FEED ALREADY.

Last night I went to see Hair, which can be best be described as a psychedelic strip club. There were some lovely, lovely voices however. It sure beats staying home and watching American Idol. (Really… does American Idol really represent the best voices in this country? I hear better singers when I attend our community college’s version of Sweeny Todd. Or when I walk by the bathroom when my roommate is singing in the shower. He has a lovely falsetto.)

I’ll see you bright and early  Sunday morning. After you’ve finished your coffee and visited postsecret.

 Remember me mentioning that I have a new camera and that Vlogging would commence shortly? I ran into a bit of an issue: I don’t have anything to say. What do you want to hear about? Should I be juggling or something? Swallowing swords? I just don’t know. So here’s what I propose: a Literally Speaking question and answer session. Whereby I will answer your questions.

Keyword being “your”. I’m not going to answer my own questions. That’s beyond stupid. The vlog will appear once I have at least twenty question from readers, if I have any left, and I will do my best to answer every one.

“I wish I had the courage to do something else besides bidding my time,” she said.

Why? What’s stopping you?

“There’s just little things that I haven’t the strength to let go of. They’re holding me back. I go to sleep too late. I eat too much over the weekend. I floss monthly and sometimes forget to wear sunscreen.”

They are little things.

“I once slept for an entire day.”

…

“And sometimes I think that I’d rather dream the dream than live the dream so I think, actually, what might be holding me back is my lack of passion. I don’t care if it only remains a dream. I just don’t care.”

Than why are you complaining?

She bit her lip. “I guess I do care some.”

Do you care enough to hold on to me tightly while I jump?

“Where are we going?”

Paris. Heaven. To the epiphany and beyond!

“Wait, wait!”

What is it?

“I don’t know.”

What do you want?

“I don’t know.”

Here’s your bed. Would you like to stay here and dream of Paris? Because you could lie right here forever tuning your imagination until the mattress turns to stone and your heart disintegrates like a muscle encased in a cast.

“I just want to be happy.”

You wouldn’t know happiness if he looked right at you and held you and loved you and breathed your name when he died.

“I don’t want to lose anyone.”

You don’t have anyone to lose now.